Mommy, why are you crying?

I try hard to not cry in front of the kids. In fact, I don't usually cry at all. I'm so disconnected from my own feelings that I'm generally just numb to things.

Last night was actually a good night. There were only a couple random outbursts from Adrian, but all in all, it wasn't terrible.

He did get written up at camp though.

Again.

Twice in the first week of summer camp.

The first time was the second day when he said the n word and yesterday he got angry while playing ping pong, slamming the paddle on the edge of the table causing the paddle to break and damaging the table. He then threw what was left at the paddle at his brother's head but missed, hitting the wall, putting a hole in it.

This is why I am numb to things now. I am just at a complete loss.

The weekends are especially hard. If it is raining out, well . . it's even harder. When Adrian gets bored, he starts demanding we go to the store. Any store. He always wants things. "But it's only 50 dollars!" "But it's only 8 dollars!" "But it's only 1,000 dollars!" or "we can just go look at things." Oh no sir. There is no "just looking at things". He will want the things and when I say no because I don't have the money for it (usually the case), he will derail and there goes whatever is in his path. He will do whatever it takes to get my attention. He will abuse and annoy his siblings until they are screaming and crying.

With me, it's . . "Why? Because you're just a broke ass bitch?" "You're stupid and poor." "You're the worst mom ever. I hate you! Bitch!"

Tonight, I took it all a little harder than normal.

I logged into the program I use to record a radio show in another state thinking mayyyybe I could do it. I haven't been on the air in over a month and all I can think about is the people I am letting down through this process. All of my various bosses that are waiting on me so they can take a break or get back to normal. So, maybe I could at least record the quick intros or something.

I cracked the mic and I just couldn't believe I even attempted to be the person I used to be. While I find words a little faster each day, my voice is still so hoarse that I have no inflection and it's just . . crap.

I sat there and cried for about 20 minutes. Just sobbing. I feel so defeated and hopeless.

I went to the kitchen to make some tea . . still sobbing. Knowing I look about as ugly as I feel. I didn't realize Adrian was in the living room. His dad must have made him sit with him so he can't hurt or upset anyone.

He called out to me, "Mommy . . I love you!" Through my ridiculous hoarse voice with a stutter and tears mixed in, I replied, "I love you too."

He sounded annoyed and disgusted when he asked, "Why are you crying?" Then quickly added "SHUT UP!"

shrug