I have been meaning to post. Ugh. Every day I'm like . . I should post something. But most times, it takes me foreverrrr to actually get all of the thoughts out and in the right order. Also, the longer I sit here, my ankles swell and the constant thoughts of what else I should be doing pop into my head.
Shout out to the VNA! They've been amazing and are here almost every day for some sort of therapy. Whether it is Occupational, Speech, or Physical. The Social Worker has been by also. Got those advanced directives in order because ya just never know.
My progress is slow and steady, but I am definitely improving and that is all that matters. I have spent a lot of time outside planting, removing or relocating bushes and shrubs. It's a process. I've also built a pondless waterfall in my front yard. LOL The Mr. did the digging and I've had to tweak things here and there a few times, but besides some more planting around it, I completed it yesterday! It is something I have always wanted. I find peace near the water and spending the hours and hours and hours outside in the dirt has been so therapeutic for me. It's really exactly what I needed.
Not much has changed otherwise. Adrian is still Adrian. I had a meeting with all of the important people at his school a few days before the last day. They have seen an increase in instances of bad behavior. In fact, it was only a few days prior to the meeting that he had to be picked up from school after throwing a chair at one teacher, and whacking another with a wooden clipboard. That teacher was so upset that she ended up having to leave for the remainder of the day. And I just remembered (my brain is real foggy a lot of the time now) that the day I went to the hospital. Adrian was suspended for another incident that occurred on May 17th. Same thing. Screaming, swearing, refusing to calm down, throwing items, hitting people.
It just seems Adrian has gotten much worse, and I can't figure out why. I would say it could be the change in medication dosages to try to find the right combination that will help with the plethora of symptoms, but that's just small dosage changes. He's always been difficult, but in the past three or so months, he's been absolutely unbearable.
I have been giving a lot of thought about having Adrian placed in a facility. Of course I have so many emotions about this. But, the way I see it . . with as many times as we've gotten called from someone at the school and how many instances of aggression, I don't see how he could even continue to attend that school in the Fall. He is already in a different elementary school that has a better program for special needs kids and really doesn't seem to be following any sort of curriculum. Most days he comes home with drawings. I don't know what is happening there.
I brought this up in my meeting with the VIP school people. I did most of the talking. God bless 'em for sitting through that. I was still in like Phase 2 of my slow and stuttered speech. After I was through with my, what seemed like, dissertation, the head lady in charge basically said, "not that we really refuse that idea, but we refuse it". Just the week before that, we were told that a spot has finally opened up for Adrian for ABA services. 10 months after getting on the list!!!!! But wait . . Adrian starts summer camp and so we're not actually sure when he would begin the ABA therapy. And no one else seems to know either. In any case, the head lady said she wants to see how Adrian does with ABA.
I just feel like I've been going in circles with everyone for years! And it's not actually just a feeling, it's legit what has been going on. There are not enough mental health professionals for children. And we're too poor to put the kids on private health insurance, so we're at the mercy of state insurance. I mean, thank God for that, really . . but it's been years and it's not like things are getting better around here with Adrian. They are getting worse. And the bigger he gets . .
I spoke with everyone that is involved in Adrian's care, and several people that are not, and everyone BUT the head lady at the school agrees that Adrian has needs that are much more than what we can offer him at home, and that there is a significant safety issue with him here.
When I first told the Mr. my thoughts on this, he wasn't very happy at all. He said, "just because you can't handle him doesn't mean you can just toss him away. He's not an animal." Yikes. that was harsh. It's not that I can't handle him. It that no one should be forced to live this way. Including Adrian!
Every single day (!!!!) this 10 year old child is abusive to his parents and his siblings. I have hours of audio of Adrian going off the rails. His older brother will cry in my arms sometimes that he's so tired of being punched in the back, or being called horrible names over and over. His little sister, just 8 years old has been called a fucking bitch, stupid bitch, idiot, asshole . . you name it . . almost every day for most of her life. She could be playing quietly in her room and he will go in there, slap her in the head, turn off the light, and slam the door shut. She doesn't even see it coming! And she screams and cries! Honestly, I can't even go on with the things he's said and done - especially to her because I'm the idiot sitting here and typing this crap and not on the phone begging for help.
The thing is . . I did. I have been. Everyone knows. His doctor, his counselor, the school . . everyone that SHOULD know and SHOULD help us . . knows.
So, why do I still feel so alone? . . I am only one person with this gigantic burden. Another mountain to climb. Or maybe it is the same one, but now I see the peak as I've pushed through the clouds.
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