I'm happiest by the water and I am still trying to manifest a huge lottery jackpot win so I can build a home on a lake. In the town I live, we have a (roughly) 45-acre great pond. Around the pond sit seasonal and year-round homes. A beach was constructed in 2017 for locals to take their kids swimming and each year since, I've taken the kids. If it is above 60°, They beg to go to "the beach". A lot of times I am either too depressed, too tired, or too busy to go. I know it won't be a time for me to relax. As much as I love to hop on a big raft and float on the pond , I am constantly thinking of all that I am not getting done by being there. But, I bring them because they are kids and it's my job to make sure they have the best childhood possible, even if I am struggling internally. Then, without fail, 20 minutes after we arrive, the kids are "starving to death". 😂 I tend to forget this at the start of the season, but know to pack a lot of food for the next time.
After returning from the hospital, I found my happy place outdoors, doing yard work. I love to dig in the dirt. I love to plant things, and I love to create landscapes designed around what is already there.
Whomever owned the property before me loves bushes. They scattered bushes all over the front, sides and back yard. Just random placement. Like they enjoyed the obstacle course when mowing. While I sorta hated to do it, I hacked most of the bushes. In fact, over the course of the past 5 or so years, I have chopped, cut, trimmed, lopped, yanked, ripped and sliced every half-living or non-living perennial. I've planted and rearranged so much plant life that the property is unrecognizable to any previous occupants.
You wouldn't BELIEVE the amount of rocks that I've dug up. Some very big ones. If they are too big, I've left them and created landscapes around them. If possible, I transport rocks to different areas of the yard to create something new.
I spend hours out there. Whether the kids are riding their bikes, or inside with their dad, or now when they are in school since I am home from work. I've rearranged shrubs and have spent a week thinking about building a rock fountain. Most times just standing there with my garden gloved hands, knee pads, and one of my tall Dunkin' tumblers filled with ice water, lemon and strawberries visualizing how I want to form this rock fountain.
I don't even remember when I started writing this post, but days have gone by. I am not able to sit for a long period of time because of the edema. I don't know what that is about, but it is bad. I just looked it up . . could be the medicine. I had just started Prozac a few days before my breakdown, and it was then that I started experiencing edema. That could be why I had so much leg heaviness? When I was in ICU, I could barely lift my right leg. It felt like it was 90 pounds. In any case, I can't sit, so I go outside, get on my hands and knees, and dig up rocks.
Also, my days have been meshed together. Hours are just minutes, it seems like just one long day and I've often forgotten what I've done or said. More on that later. I need to focus while I have the time.
On Memorial Day, I bribed the kids into helping me clean up piles of leaves, roots, stumps, etc in the yard. I told them if they could help me, it will make this project go much quicker and we can all go to "the beach". They were a HUGE help and they worked together knowing there was a sweet reward. We went to the pond, but I was extremely uncomfortable. It was my first outing since being home from the hospital and it was awful. the Mr. came along to help with the kids so that I could just sit and relax, but the anxiety started to build to where I was shaking and felt nauseous. I asked for a blanket and was moved to the shade. The kids played and swam and I took a lot of pictures and video as I always do. It wasn't long until the kids began to complained that they were starving, which lowkey made me feel relief. We went home and all was well in the world . . for a few minutes.
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